Monday, 7 July 2014

"Parenting for Prevention" by Mandy Saligari



‘I just want you to be happy’
Of course, as parents we all want our kids to be happy and successful and most of us will do our utmost to ensure this happens…and that’s a good thing isn’t it?  
Yet when a parent says something along the lines of ‘I just want you to be happy’ to their child, most teenagers will respond with a belligerent sigh and raise their eyes, heavenwards. This type of response may simply be a case of the teenager not feeling understood, or of wanting a parent to stop treating them like a child. In fact, ‘child rejects parent’ is a very natural part of the maturing process. 

However, when a family ends up in my office, there are usually pretty serious circumstances surrounding the ‘I just want you to be happy’ statement and response. Beyond rejecting a parent, that child, if I can refer to a teenager as a child, is often also harming themselves.  Fashioning sustainable solutions and building bridges is the (relatively!) easy part of the process.  Breaking through the denial often is where the lion’s share of the work lies.

Behaviours, ‘good and bad’ are often a barometer of what is going on within the family dynamic and it’s important to listen, to hear what is being ‘said’ through the behaviours. This way the true nature of the problem can be identified. 

When I assess troubling behaviour in a child below the age of 12, I look to the family dynamics first.  Sometimes I never meet the child; rather I work with the parents who can then adjust their parenting to address the problem.
At other times and usually when the child is older than 12, it is a family affair and, when possible, everyone gets involved.


Setting Boundaries
As a working parent, I know all too well the pitfalls and pain of timetabling family life alongside a demanding job.  The guilt of being a working mum is a place I could go to if I chose. But I don’t. I know why I do what I do, and I take responsibility for that.

It’s important not to shirk from the truth; because as parents we do have a significant influence on our children’s development… through our own behaviours.  It is worth remembering that as we manipulate our child to do what we want - give it a few years and your own tricks may well come back to bite you!

Instead use boundaries, consistent clear boundaries.  Not to control the other person, but more as an influence, a guide, a GPS signal that is consistent and congruent, emitted from you to the world. These boundaries signify the demarcation of who you are, what is acceptable to you and what is not, what makes you laugh and what makes you sad, what interests you, what is appropriate and what is intolerable. It allows you to be truly known.

When a boundary is compromised, it corrupts that signal, breaking your own moral code – and you end up lying, denying your needs, manipulating, enabling or acting in ways that are not ‘you’.  

Be ‘Good Enough’
Having respectful boundaries makes you a ‘good enough parent’;  one who stands in your own esteem exemplifies dignity and respect and who is consistent and congruent … regardless of whether what you say and do meets with your child’s approval or not.

It’s a powerful anchor for a child to have true knowledge of a parent who is in good self-esteem. It will allow them to ask for help and advice when they need it, and trust you not to judge or micromanage; it will allow them to share their success, knowing you won’t want a piece of the accolade; it will let them know where they come from and give them a sense of identity they can respect; whatever life throws at them, it will allow them to remain in honest relationship with you - what more could you want?

Mandy Saligari is the founder and clinical Director of Charter Harley Street (www.charterharleystreet.com ). Information on Charter’s workshops can be found at http://www.charterharleystreet.com/charter-workshops.html

Tuesday, 24 June 2014

Red flags everywhere... Is everybody really doing it? by Tom Tomaszewski



When I was at school I remember a tall, lanky guy with extraordinary candyfloss hair, a sort of crazy-looking David Gower, who missed out on a place at Oxford because he ended up serving time for smuggling cocaine. It wouldn’t do to repeat his real name here so let’s call him Flossy.                
     
 
 
I remember how, all those years ago, Flossy seemed to pop up in any conversation involving anything to do with having a good time.
‘Going to John’s party on Friday night?’
‘Yeah, Flossy’ll be there.’
‘Excellent’. 
Sometimes he even was although, from what I remember, because I knew Flossy rather well, he was more likely to be hanging around in Chelsea than Croydon. Very few people seemed to notice, though.  
‘Flossy,’ I remember asking him once, ‘how come you’re able to be in a dozen different places at the same time?’ 
He shrugged. We were waiting for a bus shortly before he was arrested and I think, by that time, he was quite able of believing he could be in more than one place at the same time.  Many of my classmates had memories of Flossy-fuelled parties but he was almost never there. 
 
As a therapist one of the most common things I hear said about addiction, about drink and drug use in particular, is that everybody’s doing it. It’s a simple enough defence: to try and normalise a behavior so the risks are less apparent. Freud had his ways of thinking about it. When some people feel an irresistible urge to do something and then discover it’s dangerous they find ways of not worrying and keeping on doing it rather than acknowledging reality and stopping. The outcomes of those ways, those coping mechanisms which some people reach out for to make life more tolerable, are what I work with every day at Charter Harley Street.  
 
The ‘everybody’s doing it’ attitude is very closely related to the vicarious badness my classmates enjoyed in relation to Flossy. If he was there, if Flossy was doing it, it was going to be one hell of a party.  But if ‘everybody’ had been at the party instead of just Flossy, what would that have meant? It might be a party that you had to go to – after all, everybody was going to be there. A party like that … surely it had to be safe? Both of these thoughts might occur to somebody who needs to go to a party: I have to be there and nothing bad will happen if I go. 
 

Is everybody doing it? 

In some communities I know that drug and alcohol use, and I mean use in the sense of using these things to try and make life feel more bearable, is extremely common.  I’m a father who’s seen his children grow up in a drinking and drugs culture which is very different from the one I passed through thirty years ago and seems to have closed up behind me like the one of those old, anonymous drawstring school PE bags.  I’m a therapist who’s worked in some of the poorest and most affluent parts of the country. There’s an easy line of defence waiting for those who feel they can’t do without a beer or some weed. Society doesn’t just feel more tolerant – it is. Absolutely it is and there are good things and bad things are attached to that.

‘Everybody’s doing it’ says nothing about how it might effect you. If I found myself thinking ‘everybody’s doing it’ I’d want to ask myself why I was saying it. Why would I need to say it? Maybe there’d be some uncomfortable feelings. What would happen if I listened to them? Perhaps there’d be some thoughts: I can’t get along without this. I have to do it
These might be thoughts worth listening to.

 About Tom

Tom Tomaszewski- Clinical Director at Charter Harley Street       

BA (Hons), PGCE, PGDip Psychotherapy (Kent), Grad Cert Group Analysis (IGA Birkbeck), MBACP, FDAP(accred), ISPS member . Tom has worked as a counsellor and psychotherapist at CHARTER for the last four years. He is an experienced group therapist and holds a Graduate Certificate in Group Analysis from the Institute of Group Analysis in addition to post graduate diplomas in Psychotherapy and Education.

Friday, 13 June 2014

"Why Do I Need To Understand Addiction?" by Mandy Saligari

Addiction is everywhere, its potential is in every one of us. 
Not as in a light-hearted jest of being addicted to everyday activities, but where there is damage as a result.  Lying hidden in human vulnerability, addiction creeps up on a person so that once they realise what going on...its often too late for anything, other than extreme measures.  

And recovery rates are not good when you are trying to return from the brink. 
Truth be told, treatment stats have barely changed in 50 years.                                      30:30:30 - Recover: Relapse: Die.                                                                                          Some services have better outcomes, but its not across the board and its certainly not through treatment that's available to everyone.

So it strikes me that as a society our best chance to improve our outcomes is to better understand this plague. To recognise it in its infancy.  I believe it is our obligation.             Where global warming is the outside priority, for without a world we have nothing, I believe addiction is the job we need to attend to on our insides. Without self respect we are savages. 

The stigma, the shame, the denial: these things blind the addict and those closest to them to delay treatment until its too late.

As they say in long term recovery groups, while you are in therapy, your addiction is outside the room doing press ups... and I believe this.  It is eating our nation alive and right under our noses.

The parents are the gladiators who will need to fight this battle and win; and to do that they need to be armed with information, confidence and self respect before they become parents.

That is why its so important to understand this illness; this raging disease that destroys us when we are at our most vulnerable; when we love and when we hate and despair so much we cannot love.

To see it in its infancy is to recognise it before it manifests in its deadly force; it is to recognise it in its human disguise, it is to know the Core Characteristics™ 

Lets begin at the beginning...

Mandy Saligari MSc FDAP NCAC (accred). Founder, Executive and Clinical Director / Senior Addiction Counsellor Mandy Saligari founded Charter Harley Street in 2008  and over the last five years, she has revolutionised the way  addiction is diagnosed and recovery is delivered. Mandy’s success lies in her ability to operate at the intersection of nature, nurture and emotion. 

 

                                                                                      
Charter Harley Street....                         
Recovery For Life
                                15 Harley Street, London W1G 9QQ                                
     +44 (0) 207 323 4970 

Friday, 6 June 2014

“Where am I?” ....“In the Village” Part 2



Where to begin? 
I am surrounded by bits of paper. Bills, contracts, letters, reminders, bits of paper with LARGE RED TYPE. 
The washing-up is in the sink. 
The laundry is in the washing machine. 
The dog is barking (in both senses of the word). 
Chaos rules.


But it doesn’t have to be like this. 
Baby steps. Baby steps. 
Have a shower. 
Shave. 
Clean clothes. 
Deep breath.
Go to a meeting. 
Sit there with your eyes closed tight if you have to. Just go.
Deep breath. 


Job is not working. It doesn’t matter. Anything you put in front of your recovery, you will lose. There are other jobs and other universes. Where were we a year ago? Where will we be in a year’s time? Who knows? It’s just for today.


Very apposite cartoon quotations? We got ‘em. Kung Fu Panda: “Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift. That is why we call it the present.” (Best said in a kind of cod Chinese voice.)


 

But the better one is Dory in Finding Nemo: “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.”


Or, in my case... Walk the dog. Walk the dog. Walk the dog till your legs fall off…….