‘I
just want you to be happy’
Of
course, as parents we all want our kids to be happy and successful and most of
us will do our utmost to ensure this happens…and that’s a good thing isn’t it?
Yet
when a parent says something along the lines of ‘I just want you to be happy’
to their child, most teenagers will respond with a belligerent sigh and raise
their eyes, heavenwards. This type of
response may simply be a case of the teenager not feeling understood, or of
wanting a parent to stop treating them like a child. In fact, ‘child rejects
parent’ is a very natural part of the maturing process.
However,
when a family ends up in my office, there are usually pretty serious
circumstances surrounding the ‘I just want you to be happy’ statement and
response. Beyond rejecting a parent, that child, if I can refer to a teenager
as a child, is often also harming themselves. Fashioning sustainable solutions and building
bridges is the (relatively!) easy part of the process. Breaking through the denial often is where
the lion’s share of the work lies.
Behaviours,
‘good and bad’ are often a barometer of what is going on within the family
dynamic and it’s important to listen, to hear what is being ‘said’ through the
behaviours. This way the true nature of the problem can be identified.
When
I assess troubling behaviour in a child below the age of 12, I look to the
family dynamics first. Sometimes I never
meet the child; rather I work with the parents who can then adjust their
parenting to address the problem.
At
other times and usually when the child is older than 12, it is a family affair
and, when possible, everyone gets involved.
Setting
Boundaries
As
a working parent, I know all too well the pitfalls and pain of timetabling
family life alongside a demanding job. The
guilt of being a working mum is a place I could go to if I chose. But I don’t.
I know why I do what I do, and I take responsibility for that.
It’s
important not to shirk from the truth; because as parents we do have a
significant influence on our children’s development… through our own behaviours.
It is worth remembering that as we
manipulate our child to do what we want - give it a few years and your own tricks
may well come back to bite you!
Instead
use boundaries, consistent clear boundaries.
Not to control the other person, but more as an influence, a guide, a
GPS signal that is consistent and congruent, emitted from you to the world.
These boundaries signify the demarcation of who you are, what is acceptable to
you and what is not, what makes you laugh and what makes you sad, what
interests you, what is appropriate and what is intolerable. It allows you to be
truly known.
When
a boundary is compromised, it corrupts that signal, breaking your own moral
code – and you end up lying, denying your needs, manipulating, enabling or
acting in ways that are not ‘you’.
Be
‘Good Enough’
Having
respectful boundaries makes you a ‘good enough parent’; one who stands in your own esteem exemplifies
dignity and respect and who is consistent and congruent … regardless of whether
what you say and do meets with your child’s approval or not.
It’s
a powerful anchor for a child to have true knowledge of a parent who is in good
self-esteem. It will allow them to ask for help and advice when they need it,
and trust you not to judge or micromanage; it will allow them to share their
success, knowing you won’t want a piece of the accolade; it will let them know
where they come from and give them a sense of identity they can respect;
whatever life throws at them, it will allow them to remain in honest
relationship with you - what more could you want?
Mandy Saligari is the
founder and clinical Director of Charter Harley Street (www.charterharleystreet.com ). Information on Charter’s workshops can be
found at http://www.charterharleystreet.com/charter-workshops.html
